le moustachey

Be careful what you wish for--

2011-12-29T02:54:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, instead of soaking myself in the interwebs, I gathered up all my books and journals and spread them on the cold living room floor. I knew I wouldn't be able to read all of them but I love the idea of it. I love the idea of reading among a lot of books. I also started a bunch of lists because, well, I can never have enough lists. There were faith goals for the coming year, shopping lists, budget and whatnot. I always rewrite my SC notes whenever I get the time because they're always written in a hurry which means they're all a slur, so I did that, too. After doing so, I reviewed the notebook to look for events and activities we should start preparing for as soon as classes resume on the fourth of January.

There were, to my surprise, only two to three major ones. And that's where it hit me: I have only less than 3 months before I graduate highschool! Wow. I have been so busy telling time to speed up for me, so busy fantasizing about my college life that I did not witness it obey me.

Someone told me that it's right after the annual retreat, usually in the middle of October, that everything starts to accelerate for a graduating highschool student. By then, time makes it hard to point which is November, December, January, February, March and which isn't. Time makes it hard to know what month certain things would fall on to.

But it didn't for me. For me, time was a snail and schooldays seemed to last forever. I couldn't bear the thought of having to stay in school for another five months and then less and then less. It made me crazy. I wanted to be in college so frakking much. I operated with the motivation of "If I do this, I'm closer to getting highschool over with." I knew about how it is so much harder in college, how the environment is so different from what I was so accustomed to but I didn't care. Until yesterday. While reviewing and rewriting my SC notes because I was being as OC as I can be.

Finally, I was scared of having to face the unknown. I do not want a rewind button; it's only exhausting to go through everything again. I do not want time to speed up anymore, too; it gets scary. I just wanted it to freeze: me on a vacation, having overly-thought thoughts, and not in highschool (although not technically) or college because what I do there amounts a lot to what I'll be doing in the future. And I do not want to screw up for that.

But I can't do that, can I? And I know that wishes are so cliché but I wish everything would just travel at its normal pace. Because even if I can't freeze time, to wish.. that I can still do.

WHY DON'T YOU GIVE LOVE ON CHRISTMAS DAY ★

2011-12-24T01:35:00.002+08:00

I have read so many posts about not feeling the Christmas vibe everywhere. It bothers me somehow. I love Christmas and have felt it in me a couple of days or even weeks ago already. The fly, Christmassy feeling that makes you feel serene inside, it tickles my intestines and fills my stomach with sparkly butterflies. Every bulb in Christmas lights just seem dim in its perfect way. My cousins are either already here or on their way. My friends are caroling to wherever parts of the globe. I love it. And to consider the fact that it's not even about all that, that they only come as a bonus, is just great, don't you think? That we have all these to celebrate with while we celebrate Jesus' birth. I can't take God enough for this wonderful year that He has donned on me and for the path that led me to meeting just few of the awesomest people in my life right now, what more for giving His son to this world to save me, save us. Ah, grace.

Today, I woke up thinking it's a Christmas morning. Regardless of the fact that Christmas carolers have been getting in my nerves and that I still don't have money (ehem ninong, ehem ninangs. hehe I kid!), in my world, it's Christmas already! And I hope that it's the same for everybody else especially the Sendong victims. I pray that they would have the eyes that see His power more than the situation.

Anyway, I listen to Christmas playlists during its eve and for this year, below is what I have come up with. They're not all Christmas songs but they're the ones that make me think of the season whenever I hear them. Sad thing, though, is that I might not be able to listen to them on the actual eve of Christmas as I will be out on a dinner with my family and LolaMommy. But, do enjoy!

1. Hey there, Delilah - Plain White T's
2. Winter Wonderland - Jason Mraz
3. The Way You Look Tonight - Maroon 5
4. Baby It's Cold Outside - She & Him
5. The Christmas Song - She & Him
6. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas - Colbie Caillat
7. White Christmas - Michael Bublé
8. Basically - Karylle
9. We Found Love - Santana & Rachel GLEE
10. We Are Young - GLEE version
11. Safe and Sound - Taylor Swift

Merry Christmas, everyone!

PS. I'm really a sucker for Christmas songs, okay. I love songs that has reindeer and snow and holiday in it.

Rewriting history.

2011-11-13T22:11:00.001+08:00

I do not own this image. Please contact me if this is yours.

The last week of October 2008, I represented my Freshmen class to an Extemporaneous Speech competition. Minutes or an hour before the program, we were excused from class and were given the question. I remember laughing nervously inside the office as I try my best to write a decent speech. We were called to the stage, seated across the back... Like those in Student Body President campaigns I see in movies. In front of me were the entire Freshmen and Sophomore students. Fidget. Pray. Laugh. Freak out from the inside. One by one, we were called and the floor was ours. I started okay until I forgot what my next point is. For two minutes, I just stood in front, not even trying to collect my thoughts or utter a word. I'm not sure if it was really for two minutes or it was just me. Everyone was staring right through me then . I had the best intentions to continue but it was either I'd get my speech from my seat or end it. If it wasn't for Ms. Ancheta cheering me on and telling me to continue it, I would have ended my speech right there-- not making any sense at all. But I continued, struggled to end it as fast as possible. All the representatives got to go down first. Yanna and I stayed at the restroom and gave myself fake teardrops from the faucet. "Kunwari naiyak ako ha. Dali, they're near!" But as soon as my friends comforted me, hugged me and told me I did great.. fake tears became real. I forgot that I have really shallow tears.

Just this November 25 2011, I was chosen to represent again. This time, for an Impromptu Speech competition. I cried when I was chosen because I kept remembering the last time I speak in front of a large crowd. And over the years, people kept telling me they couldn't understand a word I'm saying whenever I'm telling a story to them. I just don't think being vocal and knowing my grammar has anything to do with representing my class for the second time to a speaking task. But it turned out well... and fast. Each of us were given a matter of 2 minutes only and I secretly believe it was to make up for the two minutes I did not use for the extemp. As my seatmate in Math class told me weeks ago, "Don't worry. You're going to rewrite your history." I really should have let go of the past. All it really did was held me back for so long.

I don't know if I'd win. I don't want to worry anymore because I am of greater value than the birds of the air. Matthew 6:25 - 27.

O captain my captain!

2011-11-01T01:23:00.000+08:00

"Writing is a private thing. It's boring to watch, and its pleasures tend to be most intense for the person who's actually doing the writing." The Time Traveler's Wife Acknowledgment, Audrey Nifenegger

People don't know how pleased and honored and just about jittery I feel inside whenever people call me a writer. I make my passion, my love for writing known to everyone I meet as much as possible. I openly share several of my works (and my unworks) to the public.

But it's just different when people agree. I love it especially when they say it indirectly and subtly. Like it's just there; I just am. A writer.

I don't show or tell anyone about this fly feeling because I feel like some seem to grow conscious and awkward the moment they learn about how huge of an impact their little words make, but once and for all-- to those who have proposed that I do the literary stuffs in a class activity or a group project, to those who see me as a professional writer in the future as if it has already happened, to those who referred to me as a writer in whatsoever ways, to those who teased me for my fascination about words, writing and books, to those who called me boring because I love reading (the mere fact that you know I do.. it counts), to those who have placed a reservation for my future published book/s, to those who watch out for my articles in every issue of our school paper, to those who just don't get it but nevertheless support what I love to do-- thank you.

Thank you from the very bottom of my heart, through the aortas, valves & ventricles, far beyond the core of it. I have the greatest support system and not everyone knows they're a part of it. Please know you are.

Words, ironically, do not do any justice to how grateful I am right now and yesterday. I am clueless for tomorrow but I guess if it won't be greater, it's just the same.

An Open Letter To College Students. & Older.

2011-10-19T21:58:00.000+08:00

Why do we call college life and the life after college, the real world? Is this world we're living in not real enough?

Where did this imaginary barrier come from? They're called phases, okay? I know it could be a lot harder out there, wherever that is. And I know it's a common term heard for so many years already. But just stop calling it the real world or the out there already.

Life gets harder in time, because you get older and you mature and basically, maturity makes you able to stand greater pressure and problems. So life catches up. In Physics language, difficulty of problem is directly proportional to the maturity of the object. AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF COLLEGE OR WHATEVER EDUCATIONAL LEVEL THERE IS. College life's only a marker.

And also stop making us feel like what we're all experiencing now is just nothing. Like it's not supposed to be a big deal. Maybe in the future, it won't be. But at this moment, now.. it is. You've been through this, too, right? Remember how you felt when you saw the world as a blur before you graduate highschool? Remember how dead tired you felt on those sleepless nights just working on a single project? Remember how you thought that life couldn't get any better anymore, when everything was a perfect bliss? Give us time to experience that. Let us have that.

What you thought was the end of the world back then is now something you would only laugh about. What you thought was the highest peak of your life turned out to only be the beginning of all the infinite climax of your life. Wouldn't you all like us to realize that on our own? In time? In our own time? Do not rush us. Everything has its own time and season. It even varies for everyone. The least that you can do is to give out advice (and not force them) and be with us all throughout our journey, for lack for an alternate word.

This is the real world. That one also is. Even those in books. You do not get to decide which ones are fake.

To be around artists is a beautiful thing

2011-09-18T16:47:00.002+08:00

1: (c) Pierre Rodulfo. 2: Taken at a foreign resto in ATC that I forgot the name of.

I think it would be nice to be surrounded with people who loves art and loves to do art. People who has a burning passion for something. Words, photographs, colors, music and painting. Those who wanted to make something out of life and not just take from it. Those who wanted to inspire other people, to express themselves in figures of speech. Those who are too literal, you get exactly what they mean and those who are too figurative, they make you think twice as hard as you usually do. Those who view life differently and wanted the world to see how they see or hear or feel it. Those who you find yourself connected to but you cannot be any farther similar to. With smiles that explain and words that doesn't need to rhyme to sound right. With great appreciation about the beauty, splendor and bliss of life. I think it's exciting no matter how steady their life would seem to other people. There wouldn't be so much loud music and neon lights. No drinking, no risky endeavors. Just plain crazy stunts here and there.

Read on some more »

Happening

2011-07-28T00:02:00.004+08:00

Major, major backlog, I know. It has been really busy for me. I could not keep up with everything. I'm constantly stressed out and frustrated. Sunshiny days occur really really seldom that I do not allow myself to let it just pass me by. Thus, I do not bother to blog. There's tons to blog about--my moments, my takes on 3 different subjects, et cetera --plus a bunch of photos worth posting up. But once all of these have subsided enough for me to actually post a real post, I will do along with watching a movie and finishing two books.

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I'm here

2011-07-08T22:10:00.001+08:00

It's been so long since i've written in here. There haven't been enough time, enough energy or enough resources to keep up. As a matter of fact, i'm blogging through my brother's phone and although it's extra work to do so, i cannot not write anymore. There have been days wherein i longed to just blog. I still keep up on my writing, yes. But it's different here cos at least i have an audience--how little of an audience it can be.

I have so much things to tell, but it hurts to write on keypad..

I wish school could loosen up a bit sometimes.

One week down, ∞ to go.

2011-06-19T01:27:00.000+08:00

I swear four days felt like a month. A day stretches itself too far wide, it gets frustrating. I have literally two maybe three close friends in my section and I was placed at the back of the room, separated from them. Every break time, I go out of the room involuntarily and freak out a little the moment I realize I don't know where I'm going or why I even went outside. I was almost always dumbfounded and confused. My upper limb seemed disconnected from my body; my lower limb moving in reverse from itself. I had all these Spongebob Squarepants panicking inside me while on the outside, I looked so still and composed. I wanted to say "WOOOOOOO" at the top of my lungs as indefinitely as my breath could take until my heart calms down but couldn't. I tried my best to keep myself from speaking in front of the class. Yes, I know all my classmates already but I wasn't comfortable enough. I guess it's adjusting from scratch for most of them once again. I was passive during class discussion and I know it was obvious especially for my former teachers because they know I speak up and participate in class as much as I could. Basically, I just felt out of place.

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And it tastes like a dream.

2011-06-08T22:15:00.001+08:00

The rain has been pouring since this afternoon. My dad's obsessing over the weather sites but I'm loving how it's cold all throughout the day. I have been listening to mellow songs like Song to fall in love by Sophie Madeleine and Little House by Amanda Seyfried the whole day to synchronize with the musicality rain is bringing to my ears. Personally, rain is such a pacifist, making me feel, think and sound this peaceful and carefree.

My sleep stretched until two in the afternoon today because someone turned my alarm off, thinking he/she was doing me some kind of favor. That person should know that with this kind of weather, it's a miracle I'm waking up. But apart from that, I love this day. Right after learning that it's way past the wake up time I scheduled for myself, I fixed bed straight away and bathe. I've always been lazy both about fixing bed and going to the shower right after I woke up. I guess I was pretty motivated to stay through my schedule. It also helped that no one bossed me around because when that happens, I tend to do otherwise or delay things. I don't know with teenagers, but it's what we do. I wasn't hungry so I skipped, fought the temptation to go online and revised my Brain Train handbook and junior Math notebook, instead. It was surprising that revising didn't feel like such a pain in the ass. I think I even enjoyed it and appreciated the advance lessons my junior year's Math teacher taught us last year. It's so weird.

Although, on second thinking, it wasn't much of a surprise. Before I read To Kill A Mockingbird and went to sleep last night, I asked God to help me get through the semi-productive schedule I have prepared for my transition week so as to not slack like what I did this Monday and Tuesday. And as mentioned above, all it took was a prayer.

School's starting in 6 days but I don't want to go just yet. I loved my routine this summer despite my parents being totally against it. But I guess given that I am calling the last week of summer as my transition week, I have unconsciously accepted the fact that I won't have late night tweets and brunch sessions anymore. I am nowhere near excited but you know what they say, c'est la vie. We have to move forward. Maybe the first day of school wouldn't be all that bad, too. Let us not close doors. We could always do that on the second day, you know.

What makes a panicky Mariel.

2011-06-05T12:44:00.007+08:00

Note: This was written last night but I lost my internet connection so I wasn't able to publish it.

"What course are you taking for college?"

Used to being confused for a higher level I replied, "I'm only an incoming fourth year student."

"She's just a senior student kaya. Highschool senior. Not college ah", a friend echoed.

"I know. I mean.." He didn't look uneasy, he just didn't know what to say exactly. I immediately got what he meant. Of course, I'm supposed to have a course in mind by now. Entrance exams start shortly in August. "I'm still undecided."

Read on some more »

And there was the sun.

2011-06-03T10:50:00.008+08:00

She held back so much. She don't know why she did. Maybe it's because she's not proud of what she feels and that keeping a concrete memory of it for the years after, no matter how beautiful it could have been, wouldn't help her a bit. Maybe because she didn't knew how to explain the things she doesn't even understand herself. She has the littlest iota of idea. And it hurt her, all the holding back and keeping it all up inside her. Sometimes she feels like it's consuming her. She would stop it occasionally but most of the time, she just stood there and watched as she's being devoured by her own thoughts, her own feelings. At first, she owned them, but slowly they're owning her. And it felt like fire.

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Of frolicking, hoary roses.

2011-05-25T17:22:00.004+08:00

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Trudging along..

2011-05-23T00:42:00.005+08:00

I need to stop being too hard on myself. All the pressure that I've been feeling for just about every aspect in my life may partly be from the people who surround me or the society but at the end of the day, it is I who push myself too hard. I don't know how I do that.. The pushing and the other things I hurt myself with. It's beyond me. I highly doubt I'm a masochist, though. It's just that I feel like I need to learn a lot of things and although I know I can't learn them as fast as I'd like to, there's this other person in me that thinks otherwise. That I'll catch up and all these pushing, trudging and hurting will eventually be worth it. That I need to go through the hard way first before I get to where I am headed.

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I'm eating my words

2011-05-19T15:38:00.006+08:00

And am going back to blogger.

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